It’s a Great gift!…
I feel like I'm yelling at you through a soundproof wall My heart leaps Keep the chest as my skin, I can feel the beat It hurts, but pain is soothing as I cry my last proclamation of love in my heart explodes my breast The skin that hangs under the chin, but my dream is the heart torn pieces in the form of odd lines of the floor before I collapsed on the floor My knees do not take my weight that my cheek is the frankness with plush carpets soft My eye focuses on the core of my heart dry, but beyond the white heart wall Padded I can see your face and mouth the words he wanted to hear, but the heart in front of my struggle to overcome and die with a last heart stage swells and cry my proclamation This was written at 1:30 in the morning for an ounce of pity? =) This is my first time writing a poem does not rhyme or have a particular rhythm. Thank you!
Not bad. The only thing you want to change the line "As I take my skin, I can feel it beating." Sounds as you say your skin is broken. I would like to change "As I took the chest, I can feel the rhythm, but your poem is just so suggestion. That's all that would change though. Usually my best poems / songs are written by the night. Your mind is in another state if long. Well, mine is anyway.
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